Question
I went to see my cousin at the weekend. He is exactly the same age as me (36) and was involved in a car accident which resulted in three breaks.

It was the most devastating thing i have ever seen. He had been heavily sedated but was conscious when i saw him, unable to speak mouthing words because of a breathing tube. He was strapped down and on a rotating bed. I really didn't know what to say to him but tried to reassure him ( perhaps falsely) that there was still hope.  

He is also has a very stubborn personality and for  the first few days was in total denial about the nature of the injury ( understandably) asking us to help him up and not to believe the doctors as he felt fine.

This was day 14 and i haven't stopped thinking about it. The prospect of at least 2 months in the same position, staring at the same ceiling, unable to speak/move- i felt totally unable to offer anything. What can friends and family do in this situation? I feel for how slowly time must go for him, the nights must be unbearable.

And then after two months maybe the rehab can begin? Is that right?

He was a wife and a young daughter. I know the prognosis doesn't seem to be good but is there anything we can do beyond being there for him that might make his suffering just a little more bearable?  

Answer
Hi Dave-
I am very sorry about your cousin- it is always hard to hear about someone going through those early stages.

The state you describe- breathing tube, unable to talk, moving bed- is all very (ha) normal. The bed rocking will keep him from getting pressure sores- though when they finally stopped mine i felt sick for a while. The breathing tube will likely be replaced by a tracheostomy- this will make him more comfortable though he'll still not be able to speak (no air moving over vocal chords) until they remove it.

Forgive me for being blunt- there is virtually no hope that he will 'recover' to his previous abilities. I mean to say I have Never heard of someone with a true spinal cord injury walking again. His injury is high enough that he probably won't have use of his hands and may require a breathing tube to be permanent. I am sorry that I don't have more positive things to say on this -

The sedation meds will also be very amnesiac- he won't remember alot of the time looking at the ceiling, and (if it's like it was for me) most of his memories will be grey and foggy- morphine dreams. You're correct, and by the way very empathetic- the nights were the worst. I suspect no one can stay with him if he is in ICU? I had a savior though- the night pharmacist... a man I never saw in the daytime and didn't know at all, he used to come in and hold my hand. I think I cried even though he was there, but it wasn't as bad

oh my god, i suddenly realize I am likely horrifying you even further.  I don't mean to do this- there are some very positive things I can infer from your letter as well: stubborn nature, for example. This can make all the difference, in my opinion. It is why I can do more than my husband- sheer 'mule-headedness' as my father would tell you. It may take some time- rehab (which can begin as soon as the spine is stabilized, assuming other injuries have healed- example-i was 90 days in ICU, another 90 in rehab)--rehab is tough, you have to have a certain irrascibility to get through it. I say this with a smile...

As for what you can do to help him- I can tell you what helped me, and you can consider it depending on what sort of person your cousin is, deal? Music helped a great deal- someone brought a tape player to my room- it was a reminder of the real world as well as something to drown out the beeping machines and hospital sounds. Angry music, peaceful music- anything at all. Also having an extremely dark sense of humor- which I think saves my life occassionally even now. Laughter, whether at things related to his situation or not, will be good for him- tell him about things he enjoys (hockey scores or comic strips or anything), get his mind out of that morphine daze. And, if you can, see that his wife has counseling- it is alot to imagine caring for a young child and, suddenly, your husband too.

Just send her my way, I'll freak her out even more...
(kidding, truly- i feel bad about rambling on like I did earlier. something in your question hit a nerve, I guess, as I usually don't do that)

In all seriousness, please feel free to ask further questions on your or her or his behalf- I wish you all good luck
leslie