Question
hello there, I am a quad (level c5-6. I have been disabled for 26 years and it's time I deal with this problem. I have searched everywhere with some success so many people have helped but deep inside an issue remains. I am trying to be a good Christian first of all. One of my caregivers really turns me on at times and she knows it. I have phantom pains and pleasures throughout my groin area and sometimes it literally drives me crazy. I truly feel like when I am alone a demon is attacking me between the legs. I know that sounds crazy. I guess I had a pretty serious masturbation addiction when I was a teenager and it comes back to me every now and then (actually I try to fight it off very frequently). Of course, I have no real feeling in my genitals, but the phantom feeling is extremely overwhelming at times. In my head it's usually about... you are getting off, or a voice in my head telling me I cannot (which is the truth). My urologist and doctors tell me I am okay, that the biggest sex organ is in my head anyway, I just do not feel normal or good about my feelings. I fight the temptation every day, I cannot stand pornography, but the thoughts of a beautiful woman in a bathing suit on the media and as such sent my mind where it shouldn't be. Probably at least every 52 seconds like a recent survey shows. I cannot release the frustration like able-bodied men. Then when my favorite caregiver, who does understand me arrives I really have to fight it. I feel like I want her or somebody to please me when I am feeling good phantom pains, and to do something not so good (out of guilt) when I feel the pain in my head. I have finally opened up to a lot of people on the Internet over the years, but for some reason I can just got completely shake it and I know some aspects of what I am saying are perfectly normal. There has never been any abuse in my family and I use a voice recognition program to use the computer called DragonDictate if you were wondering. This is not a joke as some people have ridiculed me. Actually, at one point I wanted my helper to ridicule me to the point of humiliation... secretly hoping for a quick enjoyment and hopefully never have to go there again out of embarrassment. I am for the most part alone, except for several caregivers too much time on my hands and probably a lot that goes back to childhood. Still, I know where my mind is and so doesn't the caregiver I am attracted to. She has a boyfriend and I cannot cross that line for numerous reasons, still I have found myself getting off and pain in my head while looking at certain areas of her body. This is the truth I hope you can help me. I have not had full psychiatric help or anything just what nurses in the hospital told me. I really don't want to give into professional help if I can avoid it. Thank you for reading, hopefully not judging me and giving any feedback. I feel stupid saying this, but here goes... thank you, Phil

Answer
Hi Phillip,  I really don't know what to say. Everyone of us are different in our sexual desires. And I don't equate being a good Christian with or without sexuality. Sexuality is part of being human. I grew up as a Catholic and saw many of our parish priests struggle with their own sexuality. Did that make them as any less of a Christian? Not in my eyes! Can you paint with a mouth stick or draw with a pencil in your mouth? If so maybe you can use that as an outlet for your pent up feelings. Or maybe you could use your spare time to write stories about something other than sex. Thinking about sex is normal, acting out in ways that are hurtful to others is not. And I am not judging you, that isn't my place. I guess what you need to do is to separate your sexual feelings from your feelings of being less of a Christian, because I don't think that is fair to yourself. I hope this helps you, if even just a little bit.
Sincerely, Ken