You deserve to surround yourself with people who love, accept and encourage you and your arthritis diagnosis.
Living with arthritis and other chronic illnesses means minimizing the things in your life that make your symptoms worse. Sometimes, it might even mean eliminating people, especially if those people stand in the way of your health. Other times, it means recognizing the ways in which you can minimize their effect on your life.
People can be as toxic as chemicals. Toxic people will run drain your energy and ruin your self-confidence if you let them. “This person is not your cheerleader,” explains Ann Clark, MFT, a San Diego human services expert who has authored books on toxic relationships.
Steve Albrecht, PHR, CPP, BCC, instructor of stress management programs in San Diego, defines toxic relationships as being dominated by hurtful comments, constant sarcasm, passive-aggressive encounters and belittling behaviors.
Numerous studies have shown the damaging health effects of toxic relationships. One study from Michigan State University found out that people in toxic relationships have a 34 percent increased risk of heart disease. Another study out of the University of Copenhagen found that constant conflict in relationships was a cause of early death.
Toxic relationships, no matter the nature, are bad for your health. They ruin your sleep, add stress to your life, and increase your risk for heart problems. And because you already live with a chronic illness, you are likely to see a worsening in your symptoms, including a weakened immune system and increased anxiety and depression. Moreover, people who experience emotional stress from a toxic relationships struggle to work, parent and manage other responsibilities.
Recognizing toxicity in others is the first step in stopping the damaging effects on your life. There are specific behaviors that toxic people tend to exhibit. Here are a few examples of such behavior.
Drama: Toxic people's lives are naturally dramatic and dealing with them is hard because they make drama in situations where there shouldn’t be any.
Debbie-downers: Toxic people seem to hate everything. They are negative and find the downside to most situations.
Lash Out and/or Play Victim: When they are not being passive-aggressive, toxic people are lashing out by yelling, cursing, criticizing people, listing your faults and even using violence and threats. When they cannot get their way, they play victim and are able to do this quite convincingly.
Good Side/Bad Side: One minute you are on their good side, and the next on their bad. You never know which it will be and you are continually tiptoeing around them. How to make them happy is always changing and difficult to keep up with.
No Apology/Blaming: Toxic people see fault in others and avoid the truth, especially when it means they have to look at themselves. Toxic people do not apologize for their behavior and when they actually do, you wonder why they bothered. Their apologies generally sound like this, "I am sorry you feel that way" or "I am sorry my feelings bother you." There is always enough blame to place, just not on themselves.
It is possible you recognize some of these behaviors in yourself because, after all, we all have the capacity to display toxic behavior. Staying mindful of this and managing all aspects of your health can you help you to minimize your potential to bring others and yourself down.
While you cannot control the actions of toxic people, there are ways in which you can deal with their effects on your life. Here are 5 ways to deal with toxic people.
1. Stop excusing toxic behavior. Toxic people won’t change their behavior if you make excuses for and tiptoe around them. Their drama isn’t your problem and you shouldn’t have to put up with their childish behavior.
2. Stand up for yourself. Some people will do anything for personal gain, including belittling others and taking what is not theirs. No one should ever attack you, mock you, treat you badly or take what is rightfully yours. Never surrender your dignity and defend your right not to be bullied.
3. Don’t take toxic behavior personally. No one should take what people say personally. But it is hard when some people, unfortunately, have a toxic mindset filled with hate and distrust. These people ¬— often subconsciously — want others to feel hurt, sad or disappointed because they cannot be happy in their present mindset.
4. Learn to put yourself first. There are times where we are required to deal with toxic people, such as on the job. In these instances, allow yourself time to manage stress and to rest. Having to constantly be the bigger person is exhausting and the last thing you want to do is allow a toxic person to influence your physical and emotional well-being. When toxic people are stressing you, feel free to excuse yourself to relax and reflect away from those demanding behaviors.
5. Move on without them. Sometimes, it is just too difficult to deal with a toxic person’s behaviors, and you may be better off without that person in your life. Removing toxic people from your environment will help you to breathe healthier air. Moving on doesn’t mean you hate these people or that you wish them harm; it simply means you care about your own health and wellbeing.
A healthy relationship is give and take. But if you are constantly giving and the other person is always taking, you put your happiness and health on the line. Whether you are dealing with a toxic person in a relationship, at work, or elsewhere, put your foot down and don’t excuse the behavior. By purposely not allowing toxic relationships to control your life, you take back control of your happiness and health. You deserve to surround yourself with people who love, accept and encourage you. You deserve happiness and people who make your life better simply by being in it.
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