A chronic disease like rheumatoid arthritis can bring marital stress, if you let it. Learn about some common challenges and how to deal with them.

The stress of living with rheumatoid arthritis can take its toll on all aspects of life — including marriage and partnerships. But while the reported divorce rate is high for unions affected by RA, studies also show that having a good marriage can improve the quality of life and even reduce pain for people with this condition. That's no surprise for Stephanie and Waide Yokom of Wichita, Kan., who have kept their relationship going strong while dealing with Stephanie’s rheumatoid arthritis diagnosis. Here they share what's worked for them.

Rheumatoid Arthritis: Relationship Challenges

While the challenges of the person living with the disease may be obvious, partners without rheumatoid arthritis face obstacles, too.

• When your partner is in pain. “It is difficult to watch her, with all the pain and the frustration that she goes through,” Waide says.
• When rheumatoid arthritis slows your partner down. “Initially I was frustrated for her,” Waide says. “Stephanie is so full of life, and wants to get things done. And this changed all that. She can’t seem to get as much done.”
• Shifting household responsibilities. Rheumatoid arthritis often puts limits on what you can and can’t do and this unfortunately means more work for your partner. “There are just some days where he has to be dad and mom for our kids because I am just too tired to deal with any of it,” Stephanie says.

Rheumatoid Arthritis: Building a Solid Foundation

It’s emotionally draining to watch someone you love suffer, and taking on the extra work required to run the household and support your partner with rheumatoid arthritis can be stressful. The Yokoms get through rough times by relying on some of the key elements that made their partnership strong in the first place.

• Stay friends. “I think the biggest thing is that we’ve always been not just husband and wife, but best friends, too,” Waide says. "We’ve always known that we’d be there for each other.”
• Open lines of communication. “We’re able to discuss how we feel, and are open with each other,” Waide says. “It’s not all bottled up.”
• Make time for each other. This time can be hard to find, between work, kids, school, and chronic illness, but it’s important to remember that quality is more important than quantity. Enjoy any time you can get. “We love date nights and playing cribbage [a card game] before bed,” Stephanie says.
• Face challenges together. Stephanie and Waide try to remember that setbacks are an unfortunate but inescapable part of life. “Waide reminds me that when we took the commitment for better, for worse, in sickness, in health, it is every day, not just when it’s convenient,” Stephanie says.
• Work together to benefit everyone. “We’re starting to change the way we eat,” Stephanie says. For example, “We’ve gotten rid of all high-fructose corn syrup from our house.” The healthier diet they’re adopting to help Stephanie manage her rheumatoid arthritis has benefits for the whole family. “We’ve already seen a difference in the kids. They’re not bouncing off the walls after drinking soda.”
• Ask for help (and offer it). “I have always been an extremely independent person, but with RA, I now have to rely more and more on Waide for support and assistance,” Stephanie says. “It is hard for me to ask for help, so Waide has started to pick up on the signals.”

Rheumatoid Arthritis: Communicating With Your Partner

Frank Sileo, PhD, a psychologist at the Center for Psychological Enhancement in Ridgewood, N.J., agrees that good communication is the best way to deal with the impact of a chronic illness. Here are his tips for making communication effective:

• Don't replace face-to-face communication. "We live in a world of Blackberries and other devices to make schedules," says Sileo, "but you still need to make the time."
• Ask direct questions and listen to the answers. "Often partners assume what the other partner needs and that can lead to frustration," Sileo says. Instead, ask what you can do to help, and explain what you need.
• Keep conflict out of the bedroom. "Your bed is for rest and connecting intimately," Sileo says. Having charged, emotional discussions there might make you associate the bed with feelings of conflict.
• Consider couple's therapy or a support group. "Couples work or a support group can help create some distance so that we can see things clearer, hear ourselves and our partners clearer, and work through the issues at hand," Sileo says.

Working together and staying positive will enable you to overcome the challenges of living with a loved one with rheumatoid arthritis. “I wouldn’t have anyone else on this path with me," Stephanie says. “We’re all in this together.”